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Britta: [angrily] It all starts with a quick look-see into someone's bag, and then it's a peek-a-rooni at our phone records. Well, it ended up being quite large, this fan club, and one morning, I think it was in early March, I got this Facebook message—a very nice message—from the people who make Cougar Town. It seems they received an anonymous tip that someone was performing unlicensed material without the composer's consent. They were later nicknamed the Changlourious Basterds. I fixed them up, even though I was the only one watching, because I settled on a truth today that's always going to be true.

And then I noticed fluctuating patterns, and I started graphing them, and by the time I realized what I was actually measuring, it had started to yield really positive results for everybody, so I kept doing it. Abed: I even started a Cougar Town fan club on Facebook; not to accomplish anything mind you, simply to express my love for the show. Jeff: Glee club, meet ASCAP, protecting music copyright since 1914. Narrator: Chang has recruited a team of pre-teen security interns while moonlighting at a local bar mitzvah. You just stop thinking about what's good for you, and start thinking about what's good for someone else. Now, if you like this idea, you can make it true by doing something good for everyone here.

But then she fell off her boat, and it was a good thing for her, because, ultimately, she realized she was happier being poor and raising four unruly boys with Kurt Russell. If you'd ever actually seen the show, you'd know that Hawkeye didn't just bed nurses and drink martinis. Abed: Britta, I've got self-esteem falling out of my butt. When you really know who you are and what you like about yourself, changing for other people isn't such a big deal. I took anthropology because I want to be a part of your study group. Is there any room in this pocket for a little spare Chang?

I'm the smartest one in this group and all I've been used for is bait and distraction! [she leaves]Abed: I always thought that Jesus just walked on water and told people not to have abortions, but it's so much cooler than that. T., Edward Scissorhands, and Marty Mc Fly combined. And before you can say "1984", the Thought Police are forcy-worcing you to bend and spread. The meaning of Christmas is the idea that Christmas has meaning. Abed: You laugh, Jeff, but the people were wonderful. Jeff: What if you're dishonest about why you're lonely? Like Inglourious Basterds but with "Chang" instead of "in". Jeff: [voice-over] First entry in my stupid journal. I would do anything for my friends, which I think is how everyone in the world feels, which finally makes me understand war. I mean, guys like me, we'll tell you there's no right or wrong. And as long as we all believe that, guys like me can never lose. [snaps pencil in two to the discomfort of the others] And part of you dies, just a little bit, on the inside. We can sympathize with a pencil, we can forgive a shark, and we can give Ben Affleck an Academy Award for screenwriting. We need driven people or the lights go out and the ice cream melts. Jeff: People can find the good in just about anything but themselves. It's clear to all of you that I am awesome, but I can never admit that because that would make me an ass. Do you think astronauts go to the moon because they hate oxygen? You ask him to pass the salt, he gives you a bowl of soup because you know what? But sometimes I'm not cause I'm out in the night, staying vigilant.

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More importantly, you've stopped giggling at the word "seamen," and that's the mark of a real seaman. Did the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants poison each other's food so they were too sick to leave? I've never seen it, but I'm pretty sure they MAILED EACH OTHER PANTS!

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